How to write an obituary that sounds like the person

What an obituary actually does

An obituary does three jobs at once. It tells people the plain facts — who died, when, and where the service will be — so they can plan to come. It draws the shape of a life in a few lines, so that a stranger reading it understands who this person was. And it names the family, which is how a community knows whom to phone, whom to visit, and whose hand to hold on the day. Everything else — the poetry, the scripture, the long memories — belongs in the eulogy and the programme. The obituary is the notice that carries the news.

The reliable structure

Most obituaries that work follow the same order. You don't have to be clever with it; readers are scanning for facts through tears, and a familiar shape helps them find what they need.

• The opening line: full name, age, and the date they died — 'Grace Nomsa Dlamini died on 6 July 2026, aged 74.' Add the place if it matters to people: at home, in hospital, in the town where she lived.
• The shape of the life: where they were born, the work they did, the family they raised. Three or four sentences, not a full timeline.
• The one concrete detail: the thing that was unmistakably them (see below). This is what people remember.
• Survived by: name the spouse, children, grandchildren and siblings. Getting a name wrong, or leaving one out, is the mistake families remember longest.
• The service details: date, time, venue, and where the family will gather afterwards. Add the livestream or WhatsApp number if there is one.

Find the one concrete detail

Adjectives tell the reader what to feel. Details let them feel it themselves. 'She was a loving, caring, generous woman' could describe almost anyone, and it slides off the page. 'He kept every ticket stub from Loftus in a Quality Street tin' could only be one person. Before you write, ask the family one question: what is the thing they'll always picture? The way he whistled for the dog. The stadium blanket she carried to every Chiefs match. The Sunday phone call that came at exactly two o'clock. One true, specific detail does more work than a paragraph of praise, because the reader supplies the feeling themselves.

Length depends on where it's going

Write the fullest version first, then cut to fit the destination. The same life needs a different length in different places.

• The programme (order of service): usually 80 to 150 words, because it has to fit a panel on the back page. Your local print shop or Postnet sets the layout around it, so a tight word count keeps the type readable.
• A newspaper notice: often charged by the line or the word, so families keep these short — the essential facts and the service details only. Phone the paper for their rate and cut-off time before you write.
• WhatsApp and Facebook: this is where most South African families now share the news. You have room here — a photo, the full obituary, and service details people can forward.

The mistakes that flatten an obituary

Four things drain the life out of an obituary. All of them are easy to fix once you can see them.

• Adjective pileups: 'kind, loving, devoted, selfless.' Pick one true word, or better, replace it with a detail.
• Timeline exhaustiveness: every school, every job, every address. A CV is not a portrait. Keep the turns that mattered and let the rest go.
• Forgetting a name: read the 'survived by' list aloud to two family members before it prints. This is the error that causes real hurt, and it is entirely avoidable.
• Writing to impress: long words and formal phrases put distance between the reader and the person. Write the way you'd tell a neighbour at the gate.

A worked example

Here is a short obituary — programme length, about 110 words — with every part of the structure doing its job: 'Grace Nomsa Dlamini died at home in Kwa-Thema on 6 July 2026, aged 74. Born in Bethal in 1952, the eldest of seven, she trained as a nurse at Baragwanath and spent thirty years on the maternity ward, where she was known for singing to the newborns. She kept a tin of aniseed for her koeksisters and never once wrote the recipe down. She is survived by her husband, Samuel; her children, Thabo, Lindiwe and Bongani; seven grandchildren; and her sisters, Ruth and Joyce. A service will be held at Kwa-Thema Methodist Church on Saturday 11 July at 9am, with burial afterwards at the local cemetery.' Notice what it doesn't do: it doesn't list every year, and it doesn't call her wonderful. It shows you, and trusts you to feel it.

Where to go next

If you're stuck on the first line, it's often because the relationship is doing something particular — a mother reads differently from a father, a child differently from a grandparent. We keep worked examples for each: obituary examples for a mother, a father, a grandmother, and more. And if you'd rather answer a few questions and have a draft assembled for you, our free obituary writer builds the structure above from your answers, ready to paste into the programme. Either way, the words stay yours; the tools just hold the shape while you find them.